Does this Dress Make Me Look “Fat”?

Jane Ranzman Writer

Does this dress me look fat?  That voice inside my head barked…Only when I look in the mirror from the neck down. Stop it!  Okay, it’s always a battle, but stop yelling at me!

We’ve all been there. The steady creep…And then, Catastrophe! The scale reached a new decade that you don’t celebrate like a birthday. “How did it happen?” I asked as I hover over my desk, nibbling on a carrot stick.  After all, I’m starving! As pondered this problem, I realized there were some telltale signs along the way–

  • Your Girdle is Too Tight–  Somehow it won’t journey above my hips. “What happened?” I ask myself. My Spanks must have shrunk. It was that hot water…or cold. I wonder if I can fling this plastic tube across my bedroom. Perhaps it can be the new Frisbee.
  • Your Pet Glares You–   Between hurried spoonfuls, you look down to find your dog, a silent observer, giving you worse dirty looks than your grandmother. “Listen, you can’t have any.You’ve already eaten all the Chinese food.”
  • You Only Exist From The Neck Up– Any mirrors that contradict that reality are removed.
  • Cupcake Frosting Is A New Major Food Group– According to the U.S. Department of Health. I swear! 
  • Food diaries Don’t Have Enough SpaceTo record your cookie consumption. You don’t remember when you eat them anyway!
  • Your dog is your best friend– Because there is no alternative.
  • A date is a wizened fruit– That is too healthy to eat.
  • You now have clothes in 4 sizes– If only I could lose ten pounds through a cleanse like like the Girl Scout  chocolate mint cookie diet (it’s such a good cause,) or go to Weight Watchers and only eat the snacks.

Here’s the good news. My dog will  love me unconditionally because I feed her. I certainly don’t have to feel bad about myself.  After all, I feed me. Change doesn’t have to be radical. It can be more like a “shift.” I just read an article about the Japanese “Kaizen” method that asserts making small, incremental improvements are the route to positive, long-lasting results.

So, I really only had to write one word of this blog post. I only have to eliminate one cookie today. That still leaves me with two. Hah! I’ll inform my dog she’s going out for a walk. No more sitting around watching “Lassie.” I can do that. And even if I don’t, for today, I’m okay.  

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